You can never call me lazy again

Right now Heather is staring at me inquisitively from across the dining table. She is no doubt asking herself how it is that so much could happen in one day.

I woke up thinking it was Saturday. Probably because I had been over-served at the bowling alley last night. It was indeed Tuesday morning. I had a performance review scheduled with my boss for Tuesday morning. Those of you who know me well might have some thoughts as to how such a review would go. It went surprisingly well. Following a long list of compliments which included the phrase "you dress really well at work", there was an agreement that I am a lousy salesman. My boss had concocted a plan where I would do my account management part time and then take over the office duties at our smaller warehouse when his wife quit work to bear his child (which will happen in eight months). It seemed like a great plan except for one minor detail: Heather and I have been considering moving to Denver.

The relocation to Denver has been contingent upon Heather getting approval from her company to keep her job and work from their Denver office. Heather got the final approval while I was meeting with my boss this morning. As soon as I had finished telling my boss just how excited I was about his new plan for my future roll with the company, I sat down and opened the email from Heather with the news. I then walked right over and told my boss that "I quit". Are there any sweeter words in our language? My bosses are friends of mine and they were very happy for me. When I asked him why he looked angry, my boss replied "I am not angry at all- I am quite jealous". The part of my resignation explanation that provoked said envy was not the part about relocating to Denver. It was in fact the part of my plan that followed Denver.

You see, after we move to Denver to spend some time with Jen and Steve, we are going to come back to Portland and sell our house. Then we will buy a sailboat in the the tropics and move aboard. I like it when people are jealous of me. Heather is afraid that envy will lead directly to murder, but I don't think that any of my friends are going to kill me out of envy. Nobody could be envious of my crazy ass mind. Do you really think that you could handle being in my head for a day? I'll bet it's stranger than you realize in there.

So we have decided to rent our house for the 12 months that we will be in Denver. We may visit another city during the year- we're not really sure yet. That's what I'm excited about- freedom. This evening I called a guy that I know who is a contractor. Rick can fix anything in a house. He will be the guy that our tenants will call when water is spewing all over the basement. That happens more often than you might imagine around here. Check off another big decision made today.

I posted the sailboat on craigslist this morning. For a mere 11 grand, you too can be the proud owner of a Newport 28 sailboat. She really is a fine vessel. That was a fairly big decision to make. I will hate to see my first sailboat go. I never even got the chance to smuggle any drugs on her.

I sold my motorcycle this evening. Sold it to a great guy who is very stoked to get his first bike. His buddy came with him and test rode the bike. I am sure that they envisioned overpowering me during price negotiations with their sheer dominance in numbers, but they were not prepared for me at all. I am in such a good mood that when he offered me $100 less than my asking price- I not only accepted, but inquired as to wether or not he had any gear for riding. He responded that he did not have any riding gear at all. His buddy was going to ride the bike back to his house for him. I then offered him my leather jacket and extra helmet for free. I cannot explain to you how excited this guy was. He had scored a great deal on his first bike, and he now had a broken in leather and a lid. I feel god damn good about myself as well. I miss that bike already, but that is the first of many goodbyes that I will be saying to my material things as I prepare for a more rewarding life without all this "stuff".

I saw a doctor today about my malfunctioning eustaychian tube. That is a tube that runs between your sinus cavity and your middle ear. This tube allows air to flow between the two which equalizes pressure between your ears and your outside environment. The pressure in my ears does not equalize very easily. Flying is painful and annoying and I cannot dive below about seven feet underwater. What I learned at my doctor's office is that they can't do shit about it. Oh well- it could be much worse I guess. I could be Ted Kennedy or Hillary Clinton. Wait- she's not dying literally?

I bought some jeans today. A pair of lucky's for $30 and a pair of Perry Ellis' for $20. T.J. Max baby. Do people really pay retail for clothing? Here's a little fact about your Gap jeans- you're about to have a hole in the knee. It aint cause you got a job planting tulips- it's because Gap jeans are made about as tough as my plastic fork at lunch today. Why do restaraunts give you plastic forks?

I had lunch with Mike D today. I broke a plastic fork and a plastic spoon. Not a spork or a foon, but both a fork and a spoon. That's okay- I still love Muchas Gracias. Muchas amore. Mike spit in my food seven times while he was telling me about his trip to San Diego. They did not make it to Stone Brewing- which means their trip failed.

I manged to visit several customers today and secured a delivery for a warehouse customer that will profit $300. I spent about an hour on it. Now that's profit baby!

I was bought as a pet on the myspace today. What does that even mean? I asked my cousin (because she's young and hip), and she had no idea what it means- even though she has bought several people. I don't get it. Get off my lawn.

I am a superhuman. No- I am not even human. I don't think that I even need this food. My superior body will likely not know what to do with these earthly nutrients.

I still have time to get drunk tonight. I will drink a Lagunitus Maximus followed by two glasses of super premium rum. Are you jealous yet? Please don't kill me.